Wednesday, December 31, 2008
So, I'm home now. It's snowing outside my window, and there's only an 8% chance of snow in Dayton. So, it's not snowing outside their windows. I had the longest trip back from Ohio imaginable. Ever. My sister flew out to Ohio to drive back with me, and we became lizards (tough skin). The weather was terribly cold, windy, snowy, icy, and we were constantly hungry, smelly, cranky, and out of gas for Emily for three days. At one point, we stayed over in a Ramada [with very fancy elevators and apples] in Batavia, NY because we couldn't drive in 0 visibility anymore. And in the morning, a Jesus incarnate pushed our car out of a very snowed in parking lot because our pants would no longer defrost. He is forever our family. "Don't stop driving! Keep going! We'll talk when you're done!" But, you know, we went to Canada. Toronto was beautiful in the snow. Church bells rang as we tried to break in. All convenience stores were closed. Tim Horton's followed us. Produce markets looked like bars. Old men made fun of Liz's lip ring. I drank margaritas at fancy bars, at which point, I decided I want to dedicate my life to being fancy, the act of fancies, what have you.
My fancy lifestyle will continue when I attend Harvard Grad School in a few years. Yes. I decided this the other day when my sister, Caitlin, and I ventured to Cambridge and frolicked around the Harvard campus, after crying for 2 hours in Urban Outfitters because even just a pair of leggings is $58. [I want a neon yellow cardigan.]
In related news, we had a very gigabyte [I've been spelling gigabyte wrong for a while; blogger just informed me it's not "gigabite", as in nomnom] Christmas. I received a Nikon D40 (omg yay), a flash drive for my computer, and a memory stick for my camera. Liz received an external hard drive, also a flash drive for her computer, and a Lenovo! So many gigabytes this year. I'm going to post some beautiful pictures from my new camera soon.
I've been reading two books since I've been home. One is called: "To be real", and the second one is "You'll be Okay". Liz gave me "To be real" for Christmas--it's a book of essays about feminism by a lot of famous activists! Their experiences and things! It's really captivating. I can't read it before I go to sleep. It doesn't make me sleepy. Yay! I wanted to learn more about feminism, and when I opened the gift on Christmas morning, and I quickly read the title "to be real", I said out loud, "All I want is to be real!", which is true. Anyway. The other book is written by Edie Parker-Kerouac. It's a memoir, basically, about her love for Jack, during their very short-lived marriage. I was in the Kerouac section at Borders, looking for books I wanted to soon check out at the library, and I saw this one, and I had to buy it. Edie is so completely adorable. And, the entire book is about the beginnings of the Beat Generation, meeting Allen Ginsberg, and everything before Kerouac's downward spiral of alcoholism and things. How he only loved once and kept in touch with Edie, even throughout his second and third marriages. It's really interesting. And I mean, I'm completely aware that Edie was only devoted to Jack's writing, and she put her own talents aside and didn't care much about her life (though, that's basically why she left him), but, it's interesting to read about these people who created the Beat Generation. It'll be interesting when I'm finished with both books--a book about feminism and a book set in a time of so much sexism. What will I conclude?
Also. I purchased plaid flannel sheets for my new bed in my new apartment. Only a few more days! Adult! (Pashmina!) Netflix (best sister ever)! Wonderfalls!
Anyway. Dad just inflated an air mattress for Liz, so she doesn't have to sleep on the floor anymore. He is very excited. And also, tonight is New Year's Eve. I have a blue cocktail dress, black leggings, and incredibly soft black moccasins to wear to a fancy cocktail party at my friend Anya's house. I hope there are martinis. I will be turning off my phone if I consume too many beverages. As per my sister's advice (and Dove chocolates), I will now consistently "keep the promises that I make for myself". For good this time. Unless I want to call Lulu. She's in Long Island. I miss her.
So. That is all, I guess. As previously mentioned, it's snowing, and Dad says it's a good day for laundry. So, that is where I will be all day. Laundry room. Yay!
PS. I Know What You Did Last Summer is an excellent movie for drinking (water) games. Serial killer fishermen planning murders on facebook for a year. Lolz.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Okay, so, this silly analogy came to me while driving around Dayton late at night...life, being alive, experiencing items, is a process. Kind of like a Caramel Macchiato. I kind of think it's stupid when customers take a caramel macchiato that I made for them and immediately stir it up without tasting it first. It's a layered drink. You're supposed to drink it in layers, and it gets sweeter the closer you get to finishing. It just does. It takes a longer time to make, and if I knew you just wanted something similar to caramel latte, then I would've just made that for you. It takes much less time and effort.
I saw someone I hadn't seen in a very long time last night, he's been going through a lot since I've seen him, and it made me think of things like this. And thinking of all the shit I've been through recently. I constantly try to stir up my life, and make things seem better more quickly, but I never know what I'm getting myself into... kind of like I ordered the wrong drink. And somehow, I always leave. I always leave right before I start getting a taste for what life is like, before it develops, just as I've been taught.
In life, we make caramel macchiatos. And then we drink it up!
We all order the wrong drinks. But, I shall tell you my dear, it will get sweeter.
On a side note: I'm eating a bowl of plant life. Om nom nom.
10 more days. :)
Monday, December 1, 2008
I've probably looked at the U.S. Airways Departures board every two minutes for the past hour and a half. I want there to be more than just one flight to Dayton today! But, of course, the only flight out to the charming Dayton, OH departs at approximately 1:29pm. I will arrive in Dayton, hopefully, by 3:30, where I will proceed to run like a freak (with my arms flailing, of course) to my car and speed all the way home (assuming that my car is still in the parking lot...I don't remember if I locked up Emily before I left or not...ehhh) so that I can get to Starbucks on time...to wait on the delectable characters of Brown street who are dotingly taking part in the Starbucks (RED) cause for the day...until close. Or midnight. Whichever comes...more naturally. And I was supposed to be home yesterday...yay for flight cancellations (and never-ending traffic!) !
Annnnd...Yay for a very, very short Thanksgiving break. Which, by the way, was short...did I mention that my vacation away from Hell (the Hell with... creepily nice folk) was too short? Well. In case I didn't, now you know. Though, my break did have its up sides. It was my first vegetarian Thanksgiving! Yay! My sister made such delicious nom noms, like lentil loaf, for supper. [Her recipes are on her blog! Check them out! http://lizshmackenzie.blogspot.com/ Yay!] Another up side: I saw all of my friends, plus more. And, I learned that I'm desirable for marriage. Sweet. Who knew?
On my first flight this morning, from Boston to New York, and in and out of REM cycles (I slept MAYBE from 2am to 5:22am this morning...my dad woke me up at exactly 5:22 of course), I was thinking...my life would make such a funny movie. Seriously, everything that happens to me is hilarious...in kind of a sad way. But, it's only sad because it's happening to me. It'd be a funny movie. I should take Film Studies or something...learn how to write screen plays. Everyone's a narcissist, right? It would be so easy to just write about myself, and perhaps I could make millions on the hilarity that ensues in my life, and I could just do what I want with my life for forever. Like, I mean, if I had millions, just think about what I could do with my time...Weird example: This morning, when my dad was driving around the Logan Airport parking lot, there was a rope blocking off a section of the garage, and all I kept thinking was, "I wish my life had no schedule so that I could just ram my car through the rope and drive up there". I have no idea why that would be so fun...but it would.
Anyway. That's enough of my thoughts. I'm sleepy, and I'm going to my gate now. Everyone should find and watch the canceled show "Wonderfalls". Funniest show I've ever seen. See you laterz!!
<3 [The freckles in our eyes are mirror images.] <3
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Mmmmmm, I haven't written on here in a long time! Let me tell you about things!
Yesterday. I went to the library to do some homework at like 9:30 in the evening time hours. Annnnnddd, I spent all of my time on the 5th floor--contemporary art and literature!--sitting by the window with an Oreo Mint Blast, taking career placement tests online. The results--nothing. It told me I like being ridiculous and have no sense of responsibility and I love flowers and colors and pretty words. Really? Okay. Thanks. So, then I decided to watch The Office on my compy. It was the episode where Pam screams out, "That's what she said! That's what she said!" to Jim on bluetooth while she's in New York. Such hilarity. I wish I was Pam. Anyway, about half-way through the episode, my phone vibrated in my purse! A text message! I leaped! It was from Marie-butt (one of my suitemates, for those of you who don't follow every aspect of my life). She said: "I'm eating human collagen. Am nam nam." She's probably my favorite cannibal ever.
We have this on-going joke about pudding. How it turns humans into human-eaters. This is how it goes. Gelatin is made up of collagen. Humans have collagen--what if, for some odd reason, there's an animal collagen shortage at some point in the future? This, of course, only means that there is a pudding shortage. And, me, being the cynic that I am, thought of this brilliant plot. Our government. As splendid and proper as it may be...is someday going to muster up this plan. Upon the shortage of pudding, the government is going to send the military into homes of innocent families, looking for human "sacrifices". WE MUST HAVE OUR SNACK PACKS. I'm so deranged. Anyway, I took out some books! I got "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf, and a few books about surrealism. Yayayayay. And I saw my old coworker from Starbucks (he quit)...he checked out my books for me. SILLY LIBRARIANS. It was awkward, for some reason. Probably because I'm not used to much human contact.
I started out today reading Plato and answered lame questions, when I realized that I hate EVERYTHING. I'm sick of school, and I, frankly, don't give a shit anymore. OK--I don't hate everything. I just want time to be ridiculous. I wanna roll around on the floor in Marie's room and interpret art with her. OKAY, the other day, Marie interpreted art from my Ecstasy book, and it was soooo funny. She thinks very logically, and so, hilarity ensued. There was a picture of a model in the rain forest, holding hands with a robot, and they were sitting next to a body of water and some sort of floor lamp. And she was like, " How can the lamp work in the rain forest? I think this one means our houses shouldn't have roofs." She told me she wants me to continue to get "fun art books" from the library so that she can interpret it for me. She's so cute. And I heart her.
The rest of today was fine, though. It snowed lots and lots! I went with Lindsey to the doctor because she's having back problems, which, in turn, make her heart condition worse! Agh! We had a fun time together, though! And the doctor fixed her right up! We went to Starbucks after we drove around for like 3 hours and talked about how jaded and bitchy we are (i.e., we're jaded bitches). Annnnd, obviously, the most awkward person alive was working. One of my coworkers told my other coworkers that he wanted to sleep with me! Is that REALLY something you wanna be spreading around? I didn't think so. Before we went in, Lindsey said to me, "Do you want me to just go up to him and be like, 'I just really want to have sex with you' " And I said, "Yes. Please." But, obviously, she didn't. He was uber awkward to me, too. Ugh. Things. Why am I such a freak?
I want to learn how to paint. I draw things always. And colors make me happy. I also want to crochet my sister a hat. Or a sweater. Or a sweater with a matching hat. All I really know is...I do not want to go to my classes tomorrow. I want to watch national geographic in my jammies and draw you a picture of a sunset and chickens. KTHANX.
I leave you with Paul Eluard:
"I have not always had this certainty, this pessimism which reassures the best among us. There was a time when my friends laughed at me. I was not the master of my words. A certain indifference, I have not always known well what I wanted to say, but most often it was because I had nothing to say. The necessity of speaking and the desire not to be heard. My life hanging only by a thread.
There was a time when I seemed to understand nothing. My chains floated on the water.
All my desires are born of my dreams. And I have proven my love with words. To what fantastic creatures have I entrusted myself, in what dolorous and ravishing world has my imagination enclosed me? I am sure of having been loved in the most mysterious of domains, my own. The language of my love does not belong to human language, my human body does not touch the flesh of my love. My amorous imagination has always been constant and high enough so that nothing could attempt to convince me of error."
Stay tuned: Next posting will ACTUALLY be about mangoes. Colors, shapes, tastes, origins, all varieties of mangoes.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
New things. Hm. I was just reading this book [which is really, really overdue to the library! ahh!] by the editors of the Green Living Journal, and one of the chapters of the book is called "Why to Bike to Work"... Which, by the way, I would love to do, if I had a bike in Ohio, or at all...I always see one of my coworkers, Andy, biking to work, and I always beep at him and wave freakishly, as I pull in the parking lot with ease in my little red nissan, and I don't know if he thinks it's funny or not. He's like 47 years old. Oh well. Anyway. I want a bike. And, this chapter gave a whole list of reasons why you should bike to work. Here's the best ones:
- Driving too much results in eye-strain, backaches, migraines, weight gain, and highway hypnosis. Bicycling too much results in sexy calves and thigh muscles.
- Drivers who fall asleep at the wheel result in 20,000 accidents per year. Bicyclists who fall asleep simply fall down.
- Road-rage abounds. Bike-lane rage is as yet unheard of.
- A car requires insurance, registration, and a valid California license. A bicycle requires the sense of balance of an eight-year-old.
I was mainly reading this book about sustainability because I have to do a presentation for my communications module about my major--so, I chose an aspect of photojournalism. I found this photographer, Perry Dilbeck, who started a 10 year documentary project [which is now titled The Last Harvest] about a group of farmers and the deterioration of their farms and inevitably, their livelihood, due to an increase in big factory farms and sooo much consumerism! Yay! So, yeah, basically, I want to feature this photo-story in my presentation, and kind of talk about how local farms are beneficial to us--how they're more environmentally friendly (i.e., less carbon emissions from big factory trucks delivering veggies and they're healthier! less chemicals flying all over the place!) and possibly a few other photographic stories addressing environmentally friendly causes and some photographic trends behind the creation of the actual pictures. (FARM SHARES.)
Liz is going to make me vegan when I go home. I am nervous.
In other news. I'm a freak! No, I don't know. My apartment applications with the Boulders' was approved! Yay! Neighbors with Lulu! My first apartment ever! I'm a grown up! I'm excited to go back home. I was just looking at pictures of some of my friends from home, all hanging out in Amherst, and I was jealous. I want. Soon.
I'm going to make a Mocha syrup snow angel on the floor behind the bar at work on Saturday morning. If they're going to make me open at 5 am, I'm going to make things interesting. Yes I am.
Well, it's time for din-dins! I'm going to make pasta and tofu and num nums!
Today. I will leave you with a quote from my Lindsey-face.
(Over text message)
Boy: Hey, what're you up to?
Lindsey: (thinks for a minute, looks down at her donuts in her lap) Eating 3 donuts...OM NOM NOM...I mean, being popular.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
NPR reports! [BTDUBS. OBAMA JUST WON IN OHIO. ]
"NPR is projecting Democrat Barack Obama as the winner in the vital swing states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. If Obama holds every state that John Kerry won in 2004, he will be able to claim more than 270 electoral votes — enough to clinch the presidency.
Ohio is Obama's first pickup of a state that went for President Bush in 2004. The loss of the Buckeye State represents a crushing blow to Republican John McCain, whose campaign worked hard for the state's 20 electoral votes. No Republican has ever been elected president without winning Ohio.
Obama's ambitious strategy to reshape the electoral map appears to be succeeding. The first African-American to head a major-party ticket has had strong showings in a number of states, including some that have not voted Republican in decades, as exit polls showed the economy was the main issue on voters' minds.
In the key swing state of Virginia, long a Republican stronghold, early exit polls showed Obama leading across all age groups except those 65 and older, across income and education levels, and among all demographics except whites.
And in the crucial states of Pennsylvania and Minnesota, as well as more than a dozen other states, NPR projects Obama as the winner; Republican John McCain is projected to win in Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas and Alabama, among others.
With Pennsylvania going blue, McCain has little room to maneuver: In order to reach the 270 electoral votes needed to win the presidency, he must win every state President Bush carried in 2004. The race remains too close to call in North Carolina, Indiana and Florida — all states that Bush won four years ago.
The dramatic economic downturn in the last weeks of the campaign played to candidate Obama's advantage, as polls showed voters trusted him more to deal with the crisis. Two thirds of voters leaving the polls said they were worried or very worried that the financial crisis will affect their family.
The dramatic economic downturn in the last weeks of the campaign played to candidate Obama's advantage. As polls closed in some states, Democratic candidate Barack Obama appeared to have the edge in exit polls which showed the economy as the main issue on voters' minds. Two-thirds of voters leaving the polls said they were worried or very worried that the financial crisis will affect their family.
Yumei Liu is a Taiwanese immigrant who voted for Obama in Oakton, Va.
"If Obama is elected," he said, "I think he's more for having the country united together rather than all those attacks going on. I'm hoping that if he's elected, maybe you bring a more positive thinking to society right now."
Going into Election Day, most national polls showed Obama with a solid lead in the states that had voted for Democrat John Kerry in 2004, and also leading or tied with McCain in a number of states that voted for President Bush. That gives Obama numerous ways to reach the 270 electoral votes needed to become the nation's first black president."
How exciting is this! Obama just won in Ohio. It's so wonderful! If Obama is president (which now it's pretty clear that he will with Ohio), I just feel like our rut will be broken. Our disgusting history of white Christian men believing they're this alpha creature, who push us back further and further into the past (which is stupid!). I would really just rather not have a racist, sexist president! I would not stand for a government run by a man who air-quotes women's health, bans rights, and who chooses a running mate who thinks the most important part of her campaign is sweaters and defines her own form of feminism with a $35 wedding ring...and then talks about plans to ban the morning after pill. Yeah. Okay. If that were the case, I would move to Canada in a heartbeat. And, honestly, I've noticed that it's starting to become common ground among even the most Conservative [and Midwestern!] Americans. I have crazy old religious folk [wearing ridiculous religious parafanilia and T-shirts reading "Jesus Is Real"] coming in to my Starbucks talking to my partners, undecided young folk, trying to convince them to vote for Obama. They. Want. Change. And there's definitely something to be said about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. [Hehe, in Stephen Colbert's words, "John McCain, the only way you could truly be a maverick is to endorse Barack Obama"] Now. I would say... That's common ground. Everyone has different ideas on what kind of change they want, but it's happening. People finally joining together again for change.
I would like to be happier with the country that I live in...it'd be cool to not be so ashamed to live in America. I just think this is the start of something big! Which is what we need! Happy! My blood is jumping all around everywhere! HISTORY IN THE MAKING. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! I'M TOO EXCITED RIGHT NOW. It's so exciting that I'm here for it too...I voted for Obama in Ohio! Yipee! By the way. My roommates are pissed and racist. One of my roommates' responses to Obama's win in Ohio:
Her: "There's a lot of black people in Ohio."
Me: "So, you're saying that black people have no other political opinion beside the color of their skin?"
Her: "Nope. They don't."
Sorry you're going to have to live under a black president, rather than a "maverick" of a president.
Glad I'm going home soon.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
These are my weekend plans:
Peanut Butter Cups
Ingredients (use vegan versions):
1 cup peanut butter (reduced fat and creamy)
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups of vegan chocolate chips
1/4 teaspoon salt
12 paper muffin cups
Cut the top half of the muffin cups to where they are about half the original height.
Microwave the chocolate chips for about 2 minutes at 50% power in a glass or microwaveable bowl. Stir until creamy, you might need to microwave them a little more. Make sure you do not overcook them.
Using a spoon or paint brush spread the chocolate evenly within the muffin cups making sure you fill the crevices on the sides. Place the coated muffin cups in the freezer so that the chocolate hardens.
In a separate bowl combine the peanut butter and salt and fold in the powdered vegan sugar.
When the chocolate cups have hardened put the peanut butter mixture into the microwave for 1 minute. Wait a minute for it to cool and then bring out the chocolate cups.
Spoon the peanut butter into the chocolate cups leaving a little room for the top layer of chocolate. You have the option of putting the top layer of chocolate on now or after the peanut butter has hardened in the freezer. Both ways work just as well in my opinion.
Place the cups in the freezer and wait an hour (or as long as you can!).
I'm so excited! It's like home! Peanut Butter! Nummies!
So, here's an update about what I've been thinking about/doing this week:
As I write this, one of my roommates is sewing up the final pieces to her Halloween costume. She's going to be an "Indian" as she describes. Basically, she's grouping every single Native American tribe into one costume and parading it around campus in a very slutty manner. Nice. I love racism. And Ohio. I kind of just thought girls liked to dress up like tramps for Halloween. I did not know that it also transcended into the world of racism here in the grand ol' Midwest. I'm really happy I have to work Saturday morning...I can't parade around with racist folk for fun on Friday night! (I'm just guessing there will be lots of other types of discrimination in the form of costumes, since there are already 3 costumes that I find disturbing being made in my own apartment. Sweet.) Also, earlier, one of my roommates was very verbal about being confused as to why I was making my tofu for dinner. Basically, tofu is this foreign material that us hippie folk eat to confuse the rest of the world. "But, wait, there's like, no meat in your stir fry?".... Yay.
Also, in reading a particular article on a feminist blog (http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-search.fcgi?IncludeBlogs=2&search=pimp+the+vote), I've come to a realization about the past few men I've dated. Or probably all of the men I've dated. I really, really find very intelligent, dirty, indie hipster boys attractive. Guys who follow politics like no other (and talk about it constantly), read Salinger and Hemingway and such, have some sort of musical talent, probably smoke some kind of hipster cigs, spend lots of time in coffee shops writing poetry and such. And, for some reason, I never truly realized that these boys are disgustingly arrogant and really do not respect women. At all. Basically, the article I read on the blog was talking about an ad to advocate for Barack Obama's presidency. But, it's degrading for women, in that, it was a picture of a few hipster-esque, skinny girls sitting together with the tag line "Girls say Yes to boys who say Obama". So, you know, girls like Obama because their boyfriends do! Not because they're able to follow politics themselves and think he has good ideas and policies. And if their boyfriends vote for Obama, they will say "Yes". Awesome. Whenever I try to talk about politics or any other "male topic" with my ex and his friends...I'm usually pretty much ignored. I've dated the same type of person over and over again. Boys who like girls to be skinny and giggly and quiet. And use their mind to just paint pretty pictures. No wonder I'm so depressed!
BUT. ANYWAY. Happy thing! News flash! A big one! I got an apartment! It's in the Boulders' apartment complex in Amherst! Same complex as my sister! My sister is the best sister in the world! We're going to be neighbors! And I couldn't be happier. I'm very excited to finish off the semester in Dayton and to never go back...
My sister is coming to pick me up at the end of the semester. She's flying in, and we're going to pack up all of my ITEMS, and we're driving home! But we're stopping in Toronto first! It's just about half way between here and Massachusetts. So, we're staying over in a hostel overnight, and I'm so excited. There's like 4,000 vegetarian/vegan restaurants within walking distance of our hostel. And the drinking age is 19! Things! Sister! Fast car! So, despite this weird post, I actually am happy.
And I'm thinking of going to Smith...(NICOLE!) I've been looking at courses at Smith and Hampshire, and I'm just happy. I love learning! And I like going places! ("Come head on, full circle...stay with me, go places." Seriously, I'm obsessed with the New Pornographer's new album. Listen to it. Do it. Do it.)
Usually, I end off my post with song lyrics as my signature. But, today, I have a funny quote from my Physics professor.
Prof. Erdie: Well, kids, there's this thing. A favor. A favor that I'm going to do for all of you someday. A favor that old wrinkled scientists have been doing for young scientists for a long while. What am I going to do for you? (He calls on some random guy)
Some random guy: (nervous) Umm...well...I mean...
Prof Erdie: Just say it. SAY IT. SAY IT. COME ON. SAY IT.
Some random guy: You're going to die?
Prof Erdie: That's exactly right!
Hehehehe. Goof face.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I was at the Miamisburg Target today with my friend Jessica, and we split up for a bit to get different things. I wasn't really looking for too much...maybe some refried beans and a new belt. But, leaving Jessica alone in Target is like leaving a small child alone in Santa's Village. So, needless to say, I was wandering around for quite a bit. And, the following is what I noticed. Well, for starters, I tend to dabble around with the idea that UD girls are easily spotted, no matter the situation or location. So, I spotted a few, and I started doing what I do best: people watch. And, you know, not only do these girls have more money than god (to use the phrase), but they're so completely put together. These are well-kept girls. And I envy them. This particular emotion isn't hate, as I would usually assume. I envy them more than I ever thought imaginable.
They've lived very stable lives, I assume. With parents who would give them the world--and I'm not just talking about material possessions. The way these girls are put together connotes to me a confidence that could only evolve through semi-traditional childhoods.
Now, I certainly realize that at my age, it's hard to place all of the blame for my personal issues onto my parents. I have responsibilities now, I know. But, the fact of the matter is, I really have no backbone in my life. Being so far away has made me realize, even more so, that I have nothing to fall back on. My mother, as kind-hearted as she can be, is a complete nut job. I have a hard time forgiving her for the shit she put me through. Honestly, what do I say to a woman, who is supposed to be my mother, my guidance, who has thrown random objects (sometimes chairs) at my sister and me when she was too frustrated to speak, dragged us into serious guilt trips about her insecurities and her own wretched childhood, who is constantly looking for reassurance from outside sources, who has placed an intense fear of metaphorically crossing the street on our shoulders. Etc. "Oh shit. My life. " That's all I can say.
And my father gives me about as much emotional support as the coffee stain on my Buckies apron. Usually, a typical phone conversation with my father consists of a brief discussion about my future (i.e., "you must make money, you must make money!"), a pause for an update on my kitten at home, and then recent developments in his extensive floor mat collection.
Using that as a general background, let's now note that I'm afraid of my life. I've been taught to avoid my life at all costs. To avoid my thoughts. To, basically, be lazy in my existence and not really care about anything. (I can barely gather up enough drive and courage to do my laundry.) So, in general, I have a hard time believing that I'm real. Believing that other people can see me. Literally. I always kind of think it's ridiculous when some boy takes interest in me, and I usually drive him away in some unique form or another each time (I have no idea how to be a good girlfriend). And it's mostly because I'm in disbelief that I'm real. That I'm actually able to amount to something.
I suppose what all of this amounts to is that I feel like I'm behind in my life. I feel like I want to be able to pick myself up and put the pieces together. In a way that makes sense to me. In a manner that makes me happy and giggly and smiley. I used to be smiley. So, what now?
Lately, I've been dabbling with photography and kind of rough sketches of my surroundings in nature (I love flowers so much). But, for example, at work, when one of my partners, David, asked me what my interests are, I mean, I don't have real ones. I like reading, words, flowers, kittens. I'm a semi-environmentalist, i.e., I'm not as informed as I'd like to be, but I hate people who don't recycle and don't care about the earth. Like I said, I love flowers (I think that came from listening to Radiohead for hours and hours on end). Anyway, I ended up telling him I'm hoping to minor in photography.
"Oh, really? What do you take pictures of? Car wrecks?" He asked. I thought he was joking.
So, I responded:
"Actually, I take pictures of dead people." He laughed and went into a detailed description of his side job: taking pictures of car wrecks for insurance companies. Life is funny.
Anyway, I told him I take pictures of clouds, trees, flowers, and kittens. "Girly things" in his opinion. I don't know. I don't even have a camera anymore. Ugh. I miss my home. I want to turn my tables around and finish things I start. And be someone and believe it. If that makes sense. It doesn't really to me, but it kind of does. Like I said, which is completely supported by this mess of a post, I'll never be organized. Even with the lengthy distance between me and my "problems". Anyway. This post is forever long. So. I bid thee farewell.
"I'll love you and leave you, drive from this town
if i give you a ring there's one thing you should know
You have seven seconds before it's too late to go
So, don't walk away then turn and say I love you anyway
I never ever wanna see you until our wedding day"
(or just Kulu)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I should be studying for my Physics exam, but instead, I'm listening to the New Pornographer's new album and writing this post. And carrying an overwhelming Ohio-related depression over my shoulders 24/7. (It's true. I never want to get out of bed. And when I do, all I want to do is call Liz and listen to "Fast Car") I want to become a better vegetarian...I need to buy more groceries. I also want to paint more . I painted last night (!!), and it was wonderful. I painted my kitten and chaos in the background of his existence. I think it was really me. Ugh. Everything is stupid.
I'm copying this post from Liz's blog...because she thought this was hilarious, too. But, this is the conversation I had with my mother on the phone yesterday. Basically, the background of this conversation is that I was telling Mom I hate Ohio...which, in her mind makes me 'alternative' or a 'rebel'. Hilarity ensues...
Mom: You know, your mother is sort of rebel too.
Kelly: What? What are you talking about? You follow every word of the Bible.
M: No, not that. In other things. I'm a rebel.
K: Well, how? What are some examples?
3 minute pause.
M: Well, you know when they opened that Roche Brothers, I wouldn't shop there because all of the snooty beautiful mothers shop there and I don't want to be one of them.
K: Oh, um...
M: Actually, I was at Roche Brothers the other day and there's a Starbucks in there, you know. And all these middle school girls were waiting in line talking like valley girls. They were just trying to be cool. Oh and I was waiting in line too. And so I heard one of the girls ask the counter person what her favorite drink was, and she said "Carmel Macciato" so that's what the girl ordered. She was just trying so hard to be cool.
K: Well...I work at Starbucks and we have to be able to answer that question. Middle aged people come in all the time wanting to know what kind of drink to get. And we have to be able to suggest them something by asking them a few questions. The girl probably didn't know what she wanted.
M: Oh yeah, now that I think about it, they were kind of awkward and geeky.
K: Like your daughters?
M: No? You're not awkward.
K: Me and Liz are really awkward.
M: Yeah, but it's good to be different.
Mmm...our mother is completely out of her mind.
Leaving you with my new favorite lyrics (courtesy of the new pornographers) as my own personal signature (hehehe!)
"Come head on, full circle
Our arms fill with miracles
Play hearts, kid, they work well
Like classics play aces
Stay with me, go places
Once more for the ages
Yes a heart should always go one step too far
Come the morning and the day winding like dreams
Come the morning every blue shade of green
Come with me, go places"
xoxo Iwantatickettoanywhere xoxo
Saturday, October 18, 2008
That was my favorite today. Soooo, today was my first true day at Starbucks (BUCKIES!) because the other 3 times I've been in, I've never actually served the public! I made so many drinks today! And they let me try all of the ones I've never tried before (which was basically all of them). And at the beginning of the day, my shift supervisor was like "You can try everything, but try to keep count of how many espresso shots you've had...or else you'll go a bit wacky." I forgot to count my espresso shots. DO THE MATH! It was a fun day hehehehe. Everyone's really nice, too. And this one guy that works with me...he's a grad student at UD, and I told him my life story...how I transferred from UMass, and his eyes got so wide and bright. He wants to teach there and live in Northampton. He loves it there. Then he asked me, "why did you transfer from UMass?" And I thought I had a normal answer...but all I said was, "Sometimes I ask myself that same question." He knows what he's doing. He's lucky. Anyhoo. My roommates came to visit me, and I made them drinks! It made me so happy when they came in! They love me! I'm glad I work there! And I hope I can transfer it to Northampton so Liz and Nicole can sit and watch me during my entire shift every day. Because, I've thought about this so much, and I have good days in Ohio (kind of), but I hate wasting every day away from people and things that make me happy and comfy and fuzzy. So, it's stupid being 13 hours away. Stupy!
In related news, Olivia and I were on the phone last night for ALMOST 2 hours. She counted. It was cute. And I was hopped up on tequila for a bit!
I just spilled soooo much Green Mountain nummies salsa on Doug. Doug's my computer. He's funnie guy. (Did you get my pun there?)
I just got back from Kroger like an hour ago, and I got sooo many veggies and tofus and hummus and soy nuggets (BBQ SAUCE). Lulu made me a recipe list that is 11 pages long of vegetarian nom noms. Tomorrow I'm going to have granola and fruit and yogurt for BFAST before BUCKIES, and I'll get home at 5, and this is my din-din plan:
Mexican Tortilla Pizzas!
2 (6-inch) fajita-size flour tortillas
1 can (16 oz. each) refried beans
1 cup taco sauce - medium
1 cup chopped green bell pepper
1 cup chopped red bell pepper
2 green onions, sliced
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper (optional)
Preheat oven to 400 Fahrenheit. Place tortillas on baking sheet(s).
Bake for 3 to 4 minutes or until crisp.
Spread beans evenly over tortillas. Spread taco sauce evenly over beans. Top with bell peppers, green onions and crushed red pepper. Add cheese.
Bake for 7 to 8 minutes. Top with additional toppings (salsa, guac, sour cream..) Cut into wedges.
(Courtesy of Lulu. She makes her recipes funny!)
I'm excited! Not nervy at all! My roommates want me to cook for them! I'm spreading vegetarianism in Ohio! Kind of!
It's Sunday now. Annndddd last night, I had a dream that Nicole was famous, and I learned things about her in my Sociology class. Obvz. Why wouldn't Nicole be famous?! Hehehehe. My dream wasn't too clear as to what Nicole was famous for, give me ideas! I'll make a story!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Second post! My BIG SISTERS, Liz and Nicole, are like two enormous 4 year olds and kept telling me to write a new post! Hehehe just kidding. <3zzzz. I'm being an emoface today because this particular day has some meaning to it...at least for me. So, this may be an emo entry.
My life is so incredibly strange. And since my brain only functions when thinking about literary devices and quotes from other sources, the only things circulating in my brain is one line from Juno and a few lines from a Kings of Convenience song. They are both about home. And not really understanding the concept of home. Friendship is a weird concept to me, too. I had never really thought about it before. I've had amazingly absurd experiences within friendship and relationships even just within the past year (not including my peculiar childhood), and I'm justifiably confused. I'm in Ohio for pete's sake. That's confusing enough as it is. Everyone's oddly nice here, and on an academic note, I have relatively small classes, so it's been easier for me, and this is why it's so confusing that I feel the need to go home. The line from Juno that is circling my brain is: "It always feel so good to go home when you've been somewhere so different." It's such a cute scene, too. She's standing in her front yard, picking up flowers and smelling them. And "Homesick" is the title of the KOC song...which is my life right now. I probably didn't move here for the right reasons. But, I guess I'm glad I did because there would always be a trailing thought in my mind. Always kind of wondering if I just chose to settle into a comfortable routine and never try new things. Being here, I've had to try EVERYTHING new, and it's scaring the shit out of me every single day. And, in a way, I'm happy about that. I was also happy to go home and see all kinds of weird hipsters again. I love hipsters. I don't know what my plan will look like, but everything will take shape eventually.
And, I'm upset about something in particular today, and there are lots of memories flashing around my head like really dull fireworks constantly. Everything we've ever said to each other. And when the moon was so bright. When I felt like that was the one place I felt so comfortable; like nothing else really mattered (with my feet on the dash, ben gibbard). It's something I can't dwell on forever, but I can be happy that I felt that way. And I can go home, and I can feel like it's the ending in a really good way.
On a slightly less emo note, I became a vegetarian! Yay! I love eating plants! But, I'm also very stressed right now because I have soooo many papers to write! And people around me are annoying me with their ignorance! Yay! I love when people don't want to think about anything but their upcoming trips to Europe and how they need to get more sparkly shoes and if the presidential candidates are wearing makeup...when we could be going into an economic depression! Weee!
I want to be Tina Fey. I also want to play music. I want to be someone cool. This post is so random!
Leaving you with my favorite song lyrics!
"What gives this mess some grace unless it's fictions
Unless it's licks, man
Unless it's lies or it's love?
What breaks this heart the most is the ghost of some rock and roll fan
Exploding up from the stands
With her heart opened up
And I want to tell her, "your love isn't lost"
Say, "my heart is still crossed"
Scream, "you're so wonderful"
What a dream in the dark
About working so hard
About glowing so stoned
Trying not to turn off
Trying not to believe in that lie all on your own
La la la la..."
-Kulu to your LULU-
Friday, October 10, 2008
Today I'm at Hampshire with Lou Lou. I'm visiting from Ohio (yucky), and I don't want to go back. Fun things are here. Liz bought me a Hampshire T-shirt today, and it's so prettys. Just like this blog! I went to visit Liv and a few other UMass friends yesterday afternoon! It was fun! I missed the campus and the foliage! Liv and I went for an adventure (yay!)...i.e., we drove around aimlessly and ended up about 15 minutes away from Vermont (Montague?). We saw Stoney Pony Farm, and it made Liv really smiley! My favorite! Mmm...also Liz and I picked up Nicole last night at SMITH!, and we all ate vegan foods. Om nom nom. I don't really know what to write for my first blog.
But soon I'll replace my thoughts from polka dot notebook (that I usually organize at Boston Stoker Cafe in Dayton!) into the internetz! (world wide webz...I hate AP style!)
Now it's snack time! And salvation army time! Bye bye! I love you!