Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I'm Sort Of Here.

Hullo. I'm not sure who I am writing to at this point. Most likely my audience is just myself. I think my audience began as only 4 or 5 readers, anyway. So, it isn't a HUGE loss. But, I am concerned about loss lately. I haven't worked in a while. School seems like it occurred sometime during THE ICE AGE (or another time that sounds far off). Mango (at this juncture, because I am assuming I have no readers, I will address this note to Mango herself), I've had a rough couple of months, to be quite honest. I moved into my dad's house back in May, after turning down a perfectly good internship at the Media Education Foundation. I thought I wasn't going to have a place to live; come to find, my dad offered his girlfriend's son's apartment for the summer about a week after I turned it down. (Side note: why would he choose to live with his mommy for the summer if he had an already-paid-for apartment in Amherst?) Anyway, moving in with him was probably the biggest mistake I made, thus far, simply because it generated its very own toxic mindset that rippled into other enormous mistakes. Erroneous, Mango. Erroneous. His house is far from my only friends in Massachusetts, so it was difficult, financially, to visit them. I thought it would be okay, though. Come to find, my friends visited my dad's house exactly once -- for about an hour (maybe). For a while, I kept visiting them. But, since I am unemployed, I can't afford the gas for the drive. So, at this point, because I'm not making the effort anymore, I've lost them. It's okay. I want to make a new life and new friends. But, I do feel very trapped at the moment. Trapped & avoidant. I'm completely withdrawn from life. Because of my dad's extremely abusive behaviors, I can't stay in that house for longer than a day. So, finding a job has been difficult. I feel as though I don't have a place to rest. I'm lucky to have Joe in Boston, sort of. Actually, I wish he were in Dayton, so that I could just leave & stay with him there. So, Mango, I'm just trying to convince myself that lonely (and all suffering) is healing. I'm just having trouble moving forward these days. Graduate school may be in my future; but it is looking grim. I'm not saying everything is horrible; it isn't. I'm relatively fortunate. I can't find a job, but I am not suffering tremendously for it. That's a great thing. I'm mostly just disappointed. Disappointed & feeling like I've lost a lot. A lot of me is gone. I thought this move (back to MA) was going to be great. Now, I can't wait to get back to my life that I made for myself in Ohio. Get ready for another move, Henry! Mango, a lot of your posts have some sadness involved; but there's a lot of happy, too (like my first official day at Starbucks; having lizard skin; dreams about gerbil girlfriends; bbq chip car accidents)! I hope I can get back there soon.