Wednesday, December 28, 2011
It's been a while since I've written. I used to write quite a bit while living in the Boulders. Sometimes I miss those days, sometimes I don't.
Christmas has come & gone. & What a strange Christmas it was. It was my first Christmas since BIRTH without Lars. My mother & I are in a fight - so we didn't speak on the day. Honestly, though, a lot of anxiety has dissipated with the loss of that relationship. I started thinking about the constant abuse I received from my mother, recently, since we haven't spoken in so long. I remember being 10 or 11 years old and having a spat with her. And only minutes later, I hear her on the phone with a friend, gossiping about me. Telling him/her about what I'd done to her. To reiterate, I was 10.
My father isn't any different. So, that's probably why my Christmas wasn't great, anyway. I spent it with him.
The closer I come to entering the "real" universe, the more I realize how important it was that my parents made a space for us (sibling + I) in their lives. If you don't have a place in your family, it's hard to find your place in the world. I'm really terrified. Especially since, because of the wretched abuse I've endured, I'm terrible at creating and maintaining friendships. So, when I say I'm terrified, I don't mean that I'm afraid I won't find the right "career" path. I'm afraid I'll always lack a sense of community. Of belonging.
When I miss the Boulders, it's because I had a few communities going on there, surprisingly. I had Smith friends, UMass friends, family (Lars + Jeffrey + Sylvia + Bryan), and all was mostly well.
I visited the Burrow yesterday. For Lars, the Burrow is the home of the Weasleys' in Harry Potter. The Weasleys' are a wonderful, loving family of witches & wizards, living in a very fort-like home. Google info about it, at your convenience. Anyway. I went to see the Muppets movie & then we were invited to the Burrow. It was actually our friend's family home. Three kids, mom, & dad. Very fort-like home. By the way, the three kids have NEVER watched television (& they aren't like 5 - they're real humans). That is partly why the family was so functional. Anyway, it made me happy & sad.
I just want to be nice to people. & I want other people to be nice to people. For some reason, that's a lot to ask.
I'm going to the Columbus Museum of Art tomorrow, so I'm currently brushing up on their exhibits & some of the artists. I'm excited to visit it. I miss artsy things in my life. I've just become so concerned with the way my life is/is not taking shape that I've moved away from things that I love.
Perhaps I will even publish some of my jokes to youtube. Who knows. The biggest thing is that I want to get home. I want to be done with this place & get back to the place I belong.
Anyway. Enough of that. I'm signing off. This wasn't a great comeback for mango, I KNOW. Next entry will (hopefully) be more fun.